Peculiar Actions

Every individual is unique because of their personality. Personality is formed by the things that influence you; the people you’re surrounded by, interests, things you’ve learnt, opinions you’ve heard… the list goes on and on. But for me, the things that really make somebody unique are often the little “quirks” that make them weird, or strange, or different, and they are usually some of the best things about a person.

Some people will like your quirks, and some people will hate them. Some may judge you on them and others may try out your little habits and take something from it. They are what make you, you, and if you’re happy with yourself and don’t mind these little “quirks,” you’re in a good place.

Some of my “quirks” that I have identified are in some way or another a coping mechanism. They have been compared to the actions of a person with OCD by a colleague in work, whereas others are just simply me, and have been given the nickname “sophieisms” by my parents. None of my “quirks” negatively impact my life. They are not a huge burden, and often are what put my mind at rest. But it needs to be remembered that for some people, these “quirks” are over compulsive disorder behaviours, and can put a strain on an individual’s quality of life.

My main reasoning for writing this post was not to make a point for once but to write a bit about me. Write a bit about my personality and about some of my annoying little habits that, although are sometimes embarrassing when people notice or point out, make me the person I am.

1. I can’t keep still. When I’m sat down and I’m not doing anything, I’ll be tapping my feet or a surface with my hands. If I’m stood up, I’ll usually pace up and down the room, or tap my foot as if I’m listening to music and moving to the beat.

2. My hands must be kept busy. Whether it’s doodling little flowers, spinning a pen in between my fingers, or playing with a piece of paper, my hands will never relax.

3. Once I’ve opened the front door to leave the house, I run back in and upstairs to check that my phone charger, straighteners and the iron are all unplugged and switched off at the wall. Sometimes I’ll check it and when I get to the bottom of the stairs, I’ll run back up again to check just in case I didn’t look properly.

4. The TV, radio, my phone etc can only be left on certain volume numbers. Luckily now my car’s volume colours in a bar, it only leaves my phone and TV. The numbers have to either be even or a multiple of 5. The only exceptions being; 1, 3, 9, and 13.

5. I clean my ears with an ear bud at least twice a week, whether they are dirty or not.

6. When I have a really crappy day, I buy a packet of cigarettes but don’t smoke them. They’ll usually live in my glove box for a few weeks before I give them away to a friend who does smoke.

7. I’ll have one sentence conversations that nobody else seems to get. I’ll ask somebody one thing and after hearing their response, I’ll start talking about a completely new topic which people often find hard to follow.

8. I forget to breathe when speaking. If I have a lot to say or need to explain something long, I automatically speak faster, and by the time I’ve finished, I feel like I’ve just completed a workout.

9. I like things to be symmetrical. If I’m tidying the tills in work after they’ve been shut down, I move everything like the counters, marker pens, score cards, leaflets etc so the tills are mirror images of each other. I like things to be in straight lines and equal distances as much as I can.

10. Everytime I leave a family member, (even if I’m just going out for a meal) regardless of if we’ve been arguing or I’m mad at them, I’ll always say “love you” before leaving because I have an irrational fear about what my last words are to someone.

 

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Positive Actions

Looking back at where I was a year ago today makes me realise, although 2016 hasn’t been a particularly special year, it’s been a good one.

A year ago today I was tired. I enjoyed opening my presents, eating my dinner and spending time with my family, but I wasn’t really there. I zoned in and out all day where my mind was in other places, which robbed me of fully enjoying the festivities. The only way I can describe these moments of zoning out is if you imagine yourself staring at a white wall. It’s not a special wall, and it’s not a metaphor or a piece of art, it’s just a blank wall with no meaning.¬†Because of this, the only thing you can think about is your emotions and dwell on whether you are content/happy/sad/angry etc.

This year, however, I’m enjoying the “in between festivities” such as helping lay the table, playing with my dog and his new toy, watching Christmas films and all the other little bits. The progress made in the last few months by changing my mindset is surreal, but I’m all the more happier for it.

So with this piece of positivity, I’m going to end it with some of the things I’m grateful for and good things that have made 2016 a good year.

Even though I’ve lost some friends, I’ve grown closer to the ones I’ve kept and made some new ones that are possibly some of the best people you’ll ever meet- one of which bought me possibly the most personal and thoughtful gift I’ve ever received.

hazycam

I’ve got a job where I’m appreciated, have made a small community of friends I can surround myself with, and have been given the opportunity to progress into a career with the company.

I have successfully identified and understand what was happening with me and have been working on it with positive results.

I’m happy.

My friends and family are happy and healthy.

Even though I haven’t got a solid plan to go to uni, I feel safe and comfortable with my future and that there are routes available to me.

I got a B in A-level geography and am going to finish my BTEC courses with distinctions next year.

I’ve begun saving for my future which I am quite proud of.

I’ve identified some of my weaknesses and have begun to improve on them.

I’m beginning to make my own decisions for my happiness and wellbeing rather than making them on what people think I should do or should say.

Accepting Me

When I look back at myself a year ago, or even 6 months ago, I realise how much I’ve changed and if I may say so myself, grown as a person.

Like a typical teenage girl, I was concerned about my social media stats. Did I get enough likes on my profile picture on Facebook? Are people reading and supporting my tweets on Twitter? Did people care enough to talk about me or my posts? ¬†I was worried about the things people could see about me online and whether I looked “popular” enough. If I didn’t get a satisfactory response, I would remove that photo or remove the tweet even though it’s what I thought or even if I felt pretty and happy with my appearance in that photo.

Nowadays, I post photos without messaging my friends first about what they think. If I’m worried about what people think, it’s not because I’m worried they won’t like me, but more so I’m worried I’ve offended them with a controversial tweet or by just being honest which, apparently some people don’t like.

I used to find joy online from one “special” person liking my photo or reaching 70, 80, 90 likes on my profile photo, but now I couldn’t care less.

The one thing that actually brings me joy is accomplishing something and actually expressing myself. This is something that this blog has given me and has actually been the only place I can do this apart from having discussions or debates about specific topics with the people I’m closest to.

Writing posts brings me more joy and more pleasure than any “acceptance” I’ve previously received from the community around me through the means of likes or retweets. I’ve outgrown all of these gimmicks and just want to be heard. A community of strangers on here has accepted me for who I am and allowed me to find myself in a short period of time.

I no longer feel like I need a person sat behind a computer screen to accept me by liking my status or retweeting my tweet. To be honest I couldn’t care less if they accept me at all because I am being honest to myself and if they don’t like this version of me, I don’t need them.

I am the only one who needs to be proud of me, and I am the only person who needs to like a photo of myself.

Security Blankets

Being open with people about mental illness has been the best thing for me. I’ve been lucky that I haven’t been judged and the stigma that comes with it hasn’t been put on me. This is because I’ve been selective with who I have talked about it with when they’ve asked what’s wrong, or say “You look so pale, are you ok?” The sad thing is, why should I have to be selective? I know if I showed some people, (and some of those people used to be the closest people I had around me,) they’d make jokes or laugh which for me is so inappropriate. This blog is part of what has built my confidence up, and with the security blanket of it being anonymous, I love how I can selectively choose people to tell about my blog so they can get a better understanding of me.

Surprisingly, I’ve built up the courage to talk about my anxiety to a few friends in work. Work for me is my safe zone. I do not feel anxious, and if anything, I feel quite happy because it’s an environment I feel comfortable in and almost like I excel there. Even though this is the situation, when I go in straight from school, or I’ve been building up a lot of things, people can see it on my face. When being honest and talking to two girls about it, one confided in me telling me about her mental state too. But the breakthrough came the other night when I was talking to this lovely woman. When I told her and she said about herself, it was like a matching pair. Both going through similar things and both having to fight through doctors appointments to try and get answers. Her journey was almost identical to mine.

Even though only 3 people know in work, I feel like that’s enough. Not everyone needs to know about my demons, and I definitely wouldn’t want me to be the agenda on what to talk about in the staff room, but a weight has been lifted, and honestly, it feels good to be honest with people rather than just say “I’m fine.” I have somebody in each of my main environments I’m in day to day, and although anxiety is not an everything day for me, it’s nice to know their there if it sprouts up.