Independent to Dependent

My parents came back from their holiday a few days ago where I had been left to look after myself for 10 days. 10 days, that’s all it was. And it’s not like it’s the first time I’ve stayed alone. The first 5 days were ok I guess. I stayed at the house on my own. I had cleaned the house and decluttered all the crap, which if you know me is quite a big thing as I don’t clean. I had cooked myself two meals from scratch and baked a cake, and even though they tasted awful, I did it. Proving my independence was going well.

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Being Independent- A very burnt homemade burger.

When I was cleaning the house, if somebody was watching me they would think I had become a little OCD. I didn’t leave an inch messy. But that’s how I like it. If there’s a mess I’ll add to it and live with it, even if it makes life hard. But if I clean and declutter, I don’t add to it, but keep it that way, keep it organised. It feels like If I practise this in the environments I’m regularly in, my mind is also decluttered and more organised and I can think more clearly and be productive. This only ever happens when my parents are away, though, because they are awful for leaving crap around the house and then I just add to it.

This time, however, staying on my own when it became dark made me quite stressed. I don’t know if it was because my neighbour passed away since the last time I stayed alone which meant there was nobody next door, or whether it was because I haven’t stayed on my own since before the doctor’s appointment which made me start doubting myself.

On Saturday I decided to start taking Kalms to help me sleep, as it seemed I was only uneasy when it became dark. To be honest, they didn’t really help me get to sleep, but they did help me have a good night’s sleep once I had drifted off. But then, on Tuesday after speaking to my mum on the phone, I became a lot more uneasy. I was paranoid that people knew I was home alone and that next door was empty. I was dwelling on stupid things like these clown sightings in my area, and checking that the doors were locked numerous times throughout the evening. If my mum hadn’t suggested going up my nans to stay, I would have been fine. I’ve got through staying home alone 2 or 3 times before, so why would this time be any different?

But, no.

So my mother had convinced me on the phone to go stay up my nans, and I just didn’t come back home until they came back too. To be honest, I find it quite frustrating that I did this. I wanted to prove to myself this time that I could be independent, that I could cope on my own. But nope. I’m the 18-year-old who can’t stay home alone whilst lot’s of people my age have moved out and are fending for themselves miles away from home in university.

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