People who have never experienced any struggle with their mental wellbeing often think it’s a choice and tell me to cheer up or snap out of this low mood. Don’t they think I would if I could? I don’t know how to help myself. And then you have the people who want to help, but I don’t know how they can help me and neither do they. I don’t want to be ignoring messages I get from friends because all I’m up to doing is lying in bed watching TV, But please try and remember, I’m not really watching TV, just dwelling and thinking about how annoying it is feeling like this and not being able to change it with the TV on in the background. When I’ve previously had one of these days, I bet I won’t be able to tell you what I was watching when I say “Sorry I was watching a film” or “Sorry I was watching TV.”
Recently I’ve been making my problems worse. Which is really annoying knowing I’m my own worst enemy. Because I’ve recognised myself being anxious and my moods changing like a flick of a switch, you start thinking about your feelings, you start feeling anxious in more situations because you’re preempting feeling panicky in that situation before it even happens, and you start worrying about what if you start panicking, which inevitably makes you panic. It’s a vicious circle which is quite difficult to stop. How do you stop your thoughts?
I can’t help making it worse. I look for things to worry about in every situation. I wake up in a low mood not wanting to get up. I want to avoid anything that I don’t like or I’m worried about, such as school. And to be honest, school isn’t a bad place at all, I know this. And when I’m there and in my lessons I’m fine. But getting there in the first place is the struggle. I worry about going to school, I worry about falling behind in school, I worry about the pressures they put on attendance, I worry about not meeting deadlines, I worry about walking through the busy school before form, at break, lunch and at the end of the day because there are so many people everywhere. Lots of people worry about this but thinking about all of this the moment you wake up can stop you going to do it. When I actually find the will to go to school, none of these worries happen. Yet every morning I still think about the same things and worry about them even when it never happens. Then when I miss school it makes me worry more about all of it and it just builds and builds and builds.
I never used to worry about doing simple things like going out on my own or going shopping or staying home alone. But because recently I’ve been having all these thoughts about what’s wrong with my head, I’ve almost talked myself into thinking I should be worried about completing these simple tasks. Because I’m anxious about some things like concerts or walking home alone in the dark, or just being in the dark in general, I should be worried about all these other things because they pose a threat.
My parents know this and I can sense they get annoyed at me. My mother often tells me something along the lines of needing to snap out of this frame of mind after telling me not to blow up in anger of her saying it. I don’t think they understand fully. I know it’s frustrating better than anyone. Especially when I can recognize myself making it worse such as panicking at the charity ball I attended Friday. Panicking probably because it felt like a situation that should have been making me anxious. Not because the situation actually made me anxious.
This was part of the reason for me booking the doctor’s appointment to confirm whether everything going on in my mind is anxiety. I feel like if they give me a confirmation, I can learn ways of managing it, and will be able to hopefully stop the above situations that in reality cause me no panic, but the thought of panic brings it on.
I’ve already noticed myself avoiding situations because of it, which I do not want to make a habit of. All I wanted to do was go shopping on my own, but I didn’t. Just in case I panicked even though I’ve never panicked about it before.