There’s so much I’ve missed out. Not because it’s not important, but because it’s hard to breakdown a year into 4 blog posts. All of these things played a part in me making this blog. Actually writing a list of these things was why I started this blog, because it gave me such a release. I never said about my hate for school. I never said about feeling lost. I never mentioned about feeling like my friendship group was falling apart within the same year. I never told you about any of it. My list consists of all sorts of “things.” Things that made me mad or upset. Things I don’t understand. Things I thought were important to include. Things that I thought needed to be said. Lot’s and lot’s of “things.”
I’ve decided to not go into any detail on anything that is on my list. I feel like if it was important I would have mentioned it one of my first blog posts.
However, I feel it is important to mention that looking back, some of the things on my list were wrong or exaggerated, such as “fake friends.” I’ve learnt in the last month that the friends I have around me now are actually some of the most trusting and understanding people I’ll ever have. I have to thank my friends for all the support they’ve given me and for putting up with me recently. I’ve had to concentrate on myself which now reflecting on it has meant that I probably haven’t been a very good friend back to them all the time the last few months, which I can’t apologise enough for.
Doctors tried putting me on pills which made me question my sanity. I read into everything from that point. If anything was different or I was feeling upset or annoyed I thought I was insane.
Being offered antidepressants for “tiredness” and given no information on other options on how to deal with it. When I looked it up, simple things like exercise and diet could have improved my lifestyle and mood.
Not knowing what I want in life or what makes me happy.
Not understanding myself to know how to help myself or how other people can help me.
The pressure school puts on about making decisions for the future.
Crying in work because you don’t know what is going on in your head.
Head feeling like somebody has squiggled out everything and there’s a lot of things unfinished.
Feeling down, feeling like I’ve failed, feeling regretful, no motivation.
Not liking my job but loving the people, not liking school but not ready to finish learning.
No social life, friendship group fell apart.
Supposed to be the best summer of my life, the summer I was 18. Instead, I threw myself into work, working 6 days a week to distract myself from thinking I was going insane.
Over stretching myself but feeling like I’m not doing enough.
School policies about attendance and my mother having to phone in sick when I’m going to be 19 in a few months.
The school not understanding that I have a lot of sick days to keep me sane because we all need days to chill in order to not have a meltdown.
Struggling to juggle work, volunteering, school and a social life as well as spending time with the family.
Having to put volunteering aside even though I’m so passionate about it.
Being unreliable at my volunteer placement.
Trying to make decisions for myself and my mental wellbeing but not wanting to hurt others in the process.
Pissed off at the pressure work put me under to pick up overtime, not considering volunteering and school as my other responsibilities.
Not being able to commit to decisions.